it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
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“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
When they try to steal your moment.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.