I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
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By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
how to have an accident 101
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat