Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
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Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
philosophical skeletons be like
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
No, he would not have.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.