I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
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HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.