Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
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Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
who did the taste test?
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”