Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
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What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
🙂🙃🥹
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…