*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
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right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Don’t forget to tip your server
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I need better friends