amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
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I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
this is how life feels
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.