You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
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[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
the chicken was already gone when I got here
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Am I having a stroke?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…