[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
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ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I’m being attacked 😭
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?