I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
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i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
nice challenge
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying