new career option?
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Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety