I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
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You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.