I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
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My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Just why bro?!
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”