[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
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All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.