I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
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I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
*checks Timeline*…
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.