2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
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The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Guys, I found it.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.