Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
early stone age tool
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
🙋♀️
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.