i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
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I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
fr
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Oh deer
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.