Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Tony Hawk, age 6
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.