Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
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Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
another case of gang violins
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me