What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
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Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
This is a bad sign
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
(Musicians.)
My new favorite headline
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA