[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
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AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
There’s only one good girl here!
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them