toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
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My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.