Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
No chill.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.