[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
You Might Also Like
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Are you ok, human???
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.