Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
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deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?