Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
😅🤣😂
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”