When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
You Might Also Like
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler