Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
You Might Also Like
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
A new level of troll.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.