HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
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Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Hot hot hot 🥵
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.