The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
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Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.