taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
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SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Guilty! 🤪
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know