I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
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I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
accurate
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
dream blunt rotation
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.