Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
You Might Also Like
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within