*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
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At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.