I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
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I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me