I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
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If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.