*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad