Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
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me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house