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Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Education is vital