Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
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Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
some cats are just doing for fun!
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.