Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.