My diet was going really well until I woke up.
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If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen