“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
You Might Also Like
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Need WebMD
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
6: are snakes just neck?
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Meowchelangelo
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy