*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
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The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!