If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
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The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.