why does this building look like a guilty dog
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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”