Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
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I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
for all #parents out there
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Customer is always right