Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”